astraphobia
by sharpestsatire
Summary: noun. psychiatry. an abnormal fear of thunder and lightning.


**This story only happened because back on September 6th, 2015 I got an email from dictionary dot com with the "word of the day." The word was "astraphobia" and I wanted to do something with it and I finally _did_ all these months later.**

 **This works with the, in my opinion, canon interpretation that Loki was tortured and "swayed" to serving Thanos after falling into the Abyss. The Abyss is basically what's under/around the Rainbow Bridge, I guess. He _was_ trying to commit suicide, so I'm not sure if "Abyss" is a technical term or a flowery term or what. **

**Also, I don't think Loki literally has astraphobia, but I was working with it, and it got a little metaphorical tied in with "truth" but… This is the result.**

 **Major props, kudos, cookies, and thank yous to brambleberrycottage on tumblr. She was kind enough to read it over and saved your eyes from embarrassing spelling mistakes, far too many commas, and my improper verb tense when working with the word "politics."**

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Thor was truly worthy of Mjolnir. For Thor's entire nature was like a yearly summer storm filled with lightning—loud, abrupt, quick, and reliable. He was so earnestly _good_ in his efforts to do right.

They both grew up in court but it was only because of Loki that Thor had survived politically, as it were, for as long as he had. Politics was no place for Thor and Thor had no place in politics. It was his straightforwardness, and temper, that got him in trouble. But that was fine, because Loki was there. Loki was _always_ there to clean up the mess and spin the story how he wanted it.

And because Thor was— _was_ —his brother and because he loved Thor and because Thor could not navigate a diplomatic feast if his life depended on it (and sometimes it did), Loki spent a lot of time reading faces. Thor's, mainly, to try and best figure out when to head him off and when to let him say his piece and spin from there. But Loki would never try to change Thor, despite the multiple diplomacy related headaches he got because of him, because that straightforwardness was part of what made Thor _Thor_.

Thor may have been simple in ways, with not a deceptive bone in his body, but he was loyal and true. There was no duplicity in Thor.

Loki both hated and loved him for that, but never more than on the Rainbow Bridge. For Loki could read Thor and there was nothing fake about Thor's anguished screaming, "No!" when Loki let go. Thor had not given up until Loki let go. Odin's "No" rang of long disappointment. It was a far different cry from Odin's long pause.

There had been no artifice in Thor's face. He did not want his brother to let go, to die. But at the time, all Loki could see was the looming presence of Odin he would never grow out of, the trust and respect he would never have.

(Loki, in rare times before shoving the thought away, wondered what might've happened if he had been staring up into Thor's face instead of Odin's at the time.)

Shortly after, he learned that fear gave and got a kind of respect all it's own. Thanos taught him all he needed to know about both the receiving and giving of fear.

There was no truth in Thanos' world. Truth could get you killed. You served and you served and you worked to please until your fingers were bleeding to the bone. But you never said you were afraid or uncertain, not unless you wanted to be laughed at—a boon—or tortured—the alternative. And you never, ever said you did not want to do Thanos' will. You buried the truth deep.

No, there was no room for truth in Thanos' world. Not good truth. Not natural truth, as loud and reliable as a summer storm each year.

And so, in Thanos' court, you grew to fear and loathe the truth.

You only lasted long if you were part of the disposable masses or had a unique talent to use for Thanos' will. Loki had different talents from those of Thanos' normal… ilk. And so he found himself on Midgard, witnessing raw emotions on mortals faces. It was almost a shock to his system to read faces easily, and to see their weak version of lies.

He was captured, as planned, by S.H.I.E.L.D., and ready to sow the seeds that would keep the Avengers distracted and fighting amongst themselves as he did what he needed to let Thanos' army in. They had planned for what happened next since Thanos was _painfully_ thorough in everything, when the lightning begins to split the sky outside of the quinjet.

He peers up at the ceiling, as if he can see through it clearly at his angle. Each crack of thunder, each shriek of lightning, fills him with fear and the most dangerous thing of all: a small shred of hope.

The Captain says, "What's the matter? Scared of a little lightning?"

And he says, "I'm not overly fond of what follows."

For in this storm there is nothing but justice and the desire to find out the truth that Loki cannot bear to tell: that he serves someone else and he is so very afraid and he—

He begins to feel anger that after all this time Thor holds such sway over him.

(He buries the truth—that he is afraid and _longed_ for his brother while in the Abyss—deeper beneath his anger and own brand of bravado.)

Thor bursts in and, as per his usual character, does what he wants without a "by your leave." He grabs Loki, and Loki does not fight. It is a rough grab and landing, but it is gentle compared to Thanos' touch.

But Thor's first words are: "Where is the tesseract?"

And the words spring forth without any effort, so seamless to slip back into old banter: "I missed you too."

Loki had. Loki had missed him. Thor. So single minded. And Loki, always and ever a second thought. It was habit. It was familiar. He did not ask after Loki, his "dead" brother, but after the stolen artifact. It was fine. This was… normal. He could work with this.

So Loki sold it as best as he could but Thor, as usual, cut to the heart of the matter. For Thor wore his heart on his sleeve, while Loki kept his hidden behind layers of armor. And so Thor had no problem with saying—

"I thought you dead."

There is nothing but truth in his face. And it almost burns him to look at such truth, like being struck by lightning. And Loki _has_ to know—

"Did you mourn?"

"We all did." But Thor is not blind, so Loki reads the truth easily on his face: not all were as broken up as they could've been over Loki's death. "Our father—"

And just like that, Loki is able to hide his fear—and his heart—behind the layers only Thor seemed able to strip back.

" _Your_ father," he cut him off.

And the conversation spirals. The trade off growing up with Thor was that Thor could read Loki almost as well as Loki could read Thor. _Almost_ as well. Thor does not see through all the smoke and mirrors Loki casts up in the conversation. Thor sees the truth in the things Loki says and so doesn't catch the lies.

Truth: Loki felt like he lived in a shadow his entire life on Asgard. He had never fit in. But in the truth were layers of self destruction and hurt that he could not face. So he cast aspersions and blame on others, which turned into—

Lies: Thor did not cast Loki into an abyss. Loki cast himself there. And not even Thor, the perfect prince, could save Loki from the path he'd fallen on and then set himself to continue on though it leads to his ruination.

And with bright and biting words, he tried to sell the lies told to him by Thanos right back to Thor. Lies like he would rule Midgard, when he never would if Thanos' plans went well. Lies like he was born to be king, despite everything that happened on Asgard and Midgard, which clearly said otherwise.

Thor, in the way he normally did in the face of all the pretenses Loki tried to throw up to justify his current actions, cut right to the heart of it all again:

"Who controls the would-be king?"

 _Thanos_.

He flinches away from all the pain that name comes with and lashes out in involuntary self-defense—

"I am a king!"

Even he can not fool himself into believing he is _the_ king. Because he was born to be a king. He was. Otherwise his entire life would be a lie, and it wasn't. Because Thor's love was not a lie. Thor's love was a truth he would not lose, even buried deep.

Thor, bluntly, tells him he was no king. Thor begs him to come back with the truth writ large on his face. The affection there is so loud it almost drowns out Thor's subtextual truth also there: _You have hurt me and I have missed you. You are my brother and I love you. Why can't you come home? I do not understand. Give up this poisonous dream and come home._

Loki does not touch that truth with a ten foot pole. Instead, he distracts Thor. Thor, as easily as he used to, bites the bait and is once again angry and spitting for the tesseract.

Later, in a cell on the Helicarrier, a stunning Agent Romanoff distracts him thoroughly and finds out, somehow, his plan to escape and bring down the Helicarrier and divide them with their monster made of anger.

She leaves after in a whirlwind of fiery hair and prim satisfaction.

The cameras will see one thing, but if you look closely when Loki first hears the cracks and explosions of the Hulk causing havoc, he flinches. He flinches because it sounds like the beginning of a summer storm and summer storms only ever bring revealing lightning and truth that he can never fully face.

And after what happened with Thanos, as usual in the face of truth, his face spreads into a mad smile, all fear and doubt buried far beneath.

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 **Critique, concern, praise, tears, or snide remarks? Let me know what you think!**

 **You can also hit me up on tumblr sharpestsatire dot tumblr dot com if you're bored.** **Thanks for reading!**


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